Just a quick post to let you all know i'm doing okay.
It's not easy, really a moment by moment thing. I can be okay, and then suddenly 'she's gone and you'll never see or talk to her again on this earth' will slap me in the face.
Everyone has losses. I realize that but this one, this is the 'big one' for me.
I talked to my Mamma about everything. I used to cry just THINKING about her dying and now it has happened and I just don't know what to do?
It breaks my heart when I talk to my Dad because I can tell, he's trying to be brave and soldier on but he's as bewildered as I am.
It just seems unreal....... like someone is going to wake me up ....
or that she is just away somewhere and will be back soon.
My sisters and I are going through some of her things this week-end. I am truly dreading that. Dad is going to keep the house as is, because it's 'home' and I don't blame him there. But we have to go through her jewelry, shoes, clothes, accessories.
I can't wear any of her shoes and clothes but I am going to keep the monogrammed sweatshirt I had made for her for Christmas some years ago because she loved it and wore it all the time. Also if no one else claims it i'm getting her leopard coat, maybe I can have it altered down to fit. I can't let that go to a stranger.
So anyway this is my update.
Thank you all for the continued prayers and kind words. It means alot!
I know with time, and love and patience of Stacy and my family I will be okay.

Here is the beautiful plant you guys sent, Thank you so much Bella - I love it. I found out it's a Peace Lily and the white lily is just about to bloom. I look at that bloom as 'hope'

In this day and age, people still take a moment to say they are sorry, to tell you they care and are thinking of you, to send a card or plant or food ....
I am overwhelmed with all of the love and prayers from you all.
Saturday was a bad day for me and my sister Bonnie too. We just kept thinking that last Saturday Mom went to the ER and we never, ever dreamed it would end like this.
Tomorrow (i'm writing this on Sunday night) will be bad too, i'm afraid but i'm going to do some things with my Dad and Bonnie and hopefully it won't be so bad after all.
I know our minds will be on last Monday but hopefully we won't let that rule the day. I know, life goes on and time heals all hurt.
I just wish it would do it a little bit faster.........

On a lighter note, here is a pic Maddie took of me in the ER when we took Mom in and of course had to wait and wait and wait.
She braided my hair (hello?- Swiss Miss is calling - she wants her hair back)

Here is a great one I took of Maddie and my Dad. They are buddies, both full of the devil! LOL


Madison took this picture of (clockwise)Buffy, Miss Hazel, April, Stacy and Me before we went to the funeral. I think she did a very good job.
Don't let that smile fool you, as soon as my MIL came in and hugged me, I broke down crying and I told her she was the only Mamma I have now and she said "You've always been my daughter too". I am so lucky to have her and all of my family. I couldn't ask for any better. My sisters-in-law were right there for me too. They brought food and all kinds of stuff to my Dad's house. People's kindness really really touched me.

Just wanted to touch base and first off say THANK YOU for the beautiful plant sent to me by my "blogger buddies".
I have to confess ignorance when it comes to most flowers and plants names but I will find out how to care for it! It is still at my Dad's but I will bring it to it's forever home tomorrow.
There was SO much going on today, it was unreal.
Just when I think people suck, I get a reminder from God that it's just not so.
The outpouring of love, prayer and kindness has just been overwhelming not just for me but for my whole family.
Monday was just - a nightmare.
I don't mind sharing because really, it's cathartic for me to talk about it.
My Mom was diagnosed with pneumonia last week.
She was home on antibiotics all week and on Saturday morning my sister called me and said they were taking Mom by ambulance to Carolina Pines Hospital over here in Hartsville, which is where Madison was born, ironically.
I was like "WTF?" because for my Mother to go in an ambulance, it's serious.
She did NOT like fanfare or attention. At all.
Stacy, Maddie & I raced over there and got there at the exact same time they did.
We sat in the waiting room of the ER with my Dad and two sisters, Kathy & Bonnie.
Finally we were able to go back and see her.
She was comfortable, with oxygen in her nose and doing better.
She had gotten short of breath at the house and just could not catch her breath. Scary.
We knew they would be admitting her but it would be awhile as the hospital was at capacity.
We went home and later on I went back up by myself so Dad could go home and get some stuff that was needed by her. Mom did NOT want to be left alone at all.
I was glad to be there.
While I was there she was assigned a room so I went with the orderly and they got her moved to the bed.
When Dad got there he asked the nurse if he could get a blanket because Mom was not staying by herself. They got him a cot (bed really, it had a thick mattress and the nurse made it up all comfy with two pillows etc.). They REALLY went out of their way and Mom was very happy and so was he.
They had a rough night but me, Stac & Mad went back on Sunday.
Madison was a little scared of Mom with the oxygen mask on (she had to have the face mask now) and everything else hooked up to her, but it didn't take her long to make her way over and start talking to her and asking questions.
We took her a vase of roses and she loved it, she loves roses.
We stayed quite awhile and i'm so glad we did.
Stacy is, especially also as that was his last time seeing her.
Her doctor came in on Sunday and was concerned she wasn't responding to treatment so they were calling in a Lung Specialist the next day (Monday).
She could not even FEED HERSELF, she just could not breathe and any exertion worsened it.
My sisters and I talked and we agreed that someone needed to be there to talk to the Specialist and ask questions etc because neither Mom nor Dad say a word.
They also can't half remember what the doctor said either. Not going to cut it.
So... my sister Bonnie was going to be there (she doesn't work) and she really wanted some back-up too in case there were some decisions to be made etc.
Sometimes we have to gang up on Pop :) (what everyone calls my Dad).
I wrestled a little bit because I have missed a good bit of work lately with mine and Madison's health issues but in the end decided to follow my instincts and be there with my sister. Boy i'm glad I did.

Stacy (God Bless him, he is the best) got Maddie dressed and off to school and I was ready even before 7a.m. when Bonnie came. (my family likes to kid me that i'd be late for my own funeral - and YES I was late for Mom's) :P
Anyway we got there and were talking to Mom and Dad.
She had a pretty good night and was in good spirits.
Dad left to go home and take a shower and do some stuff and we spent all morning with Mom and had a good time talking.
The nurse told Mom the doctor wanted her to start PT (physical therapy) by moving from the bed to a recliner chair.
She was eager to do it, as she had not been out of the bed since Saturday.
She did well moving to the recliner, sat in it for about two hours, ate lunch.
Dad came back when she just finished her lunch and they were going to move her from the chair back to the bed.
We stepped out while they did and when we came back in she struggling for breath. Dad told the nurse and she said it was to be expected because of the exertion but after a few moments we said "No, this is something more we want someone in here NOW".
She called in the resperitory specialist and when he saw the shape she was in all hell broke loose.
Bonnie and I backed into the corner and I saw Dad over her and heard him say "Don't leave me, Don't leave me", me and Bonnie burst into tears - we were confused and scared and I looked at Mom and I said "Bonnie - her lips are turning blue" and then one of the techs said we had to leave and as we walked to the end of the hallway Dad said "She was gone".
We were like "No, what are you talking about? She'll be okay they just have to get her breathing regulated".
We huddled together crying (I can count on one hand how many times I have saw my father cry with several fingers to spare) and the resp. tech. came out and said "They are working on her, just keep praying" so we did.
After what seemed an hour but was in reality only a short few minutes a nurse came down and said why didn't we go down to the family waiting room until the Doctor came in. Dad said "This doesn't sound good".
I called our other sister Kathy and my brother who both live here and told them to come up to the Hospital right away. Dad called my Mom's baby brother and told him the same. Then Doctor "A" came in, he got down on one knee and said "I'm so sorry".
That is the moment my whole world stood absolutely still.
My Father gasped and Bonnie and I started crying softly.
We were just staring at each other, I don't know what my face looked like but theirs both looked like they had just been hit - very hard. They looked stunned. There were no hysterics.
The poor Doctor, he stammered and tried to compose himself (I have NEVER saw a doctor lose their composure and i'm not saying this as a bad reflection on him at all, please bear that in mind).
Even though I was reeling from the shock I will never, ever forget that man's face and I will never forget his exact words.
He said "I don't, I don't understand what happened.
I did not expect this.
She seemed to be better earlier and did so well with her PT".
Bonnie said she thought Mom had congestive heart failure and he said he could state absolutely it was not that.
Her fluid levels were actually better today.
He said they had gotten her breathing regulated but then her heart stopped.
They worked on her for about a half hour before he knew it was no use.
He said it was either a blood clot or a heart attack. She didn't have a history of coronary problems but honestly, I do believe it was a heart attack.
Her Mother (My beloved Gram) died of a heart attack at the exact same age and about the same time of day. Isn't that weird?
We thanked him, because we knew he had done all he could, it was simply her time to go.
As he was walking away my sister Kathy stepped off the elevator and said "What's going on is Mom worse?" and Dad said "Mom didn't make it" and poor Kathy just went down on her knees. OMG I am crying as I type this but it's a good cry. Healing tears.
I know this.
She was saying "I knew I should have come today, I knew I should have come" and we said "No, none of us had ANY idea this would happen".
I am SO.VERY.GRATEFUL that I did take the time from work and spend my Mamma's last day with her.
I told her I loved her several times (something I do because I am known as the loving, tenderhearted one in the family and those of you who know my bitchy sarcastic side quit laughing!)
My Uncle came in and he broke down when Dad told him the sad news. He was also disbelieving.
It was like a slow moving nightmare. Every person we told just pulled away or resisted the words. It was just too unreal - couldn't happen.
Heck I felt the same way and I experienced it.
Still as I sit here it is unbelievable to me that I can't call my Mamma on the phone and tell her about the beautiful plant y'all sent and ask her how to care for it.
I told her everything - she was my confidant, she was my cheerleader, my sounding board for my rotten work situation, she ran interference with my Dad when needed
(i.e. give the baby whatever it is she wants - yes even at 43 I was definitely still her baby). She had told the new nurse that came on shift Monday morning that I was 'her baby'. I am proud to have been and always WILL be her baby.
I will miss her for the rest of my life, and just like my father-in-law grieve especially because Madison will never really get to know two of her wonderful grandparents.
But............she is lucky because she loves my Dad and he loves her. You all know how she is the moon and the stars to Stacy's Mom. I told her yesterday when they came for the funeral that she was the only Mom I have left here with me now and it's true. But I am truly blessed, for having been my Mother's daughter, for having the wonderful, wonderful family and friends to help me through this.
My family has really pulled together and my Dad said he is so proud and that makes my heart soar with joy
........................ even as it is breaking.

Hi Everyone, Bella here, hijacking.

I received a sad text from Patti tonight, she lost her mother. I know she was in the hospital for pneumonia and that was the last I heard.

If you are interested in donating for flowers and a gift for the family (I'm thinking of sending Patti one of the willow t*rees, the remembrance angel), please let me know - bella lou who at gmail dot com and I will send you my paypal information. If you do decide to donate and want any updates on what is collected and how it is spent I will be happy to provide you with that information.

Also, if you are interested in sending a card again, please e-mail me and I will give you my address and get all of the cards to Patti and her family (I don't feel comfortable giving out her address.)

Patti, I know you're reading this and shaking your head at what I wrote above, we are wanting to send something to you because we love you.

We are sending you and your family big huge hugs in this time of sorrow. Please keep Patti and her family in your thoughts.

Wednesday after Christmas we decided to take a short trip to Hendersonville, NC as it has been awhile since the three of us have went away together.
It was a 3 1/2 hour drive to Hendersonville from Florence. A very pleasant one as it was striclty I-20 and I-26 all the way!
Maddie caught a nap (as she always does in the car!)
The ever present "Boy" snoozed with her too. Won't this make a terrific blackmail picture when she's older Ha! Ha!

When we got to our Hotel they HAD some snow, Maddie had to pick up some of it.
I know, she doesn't have on a coat and it WAS cold, however she just got out of the car and ran to the snow. We were going from the car straight inside and she never wears a coat in the car. My sister sent me a text immediately bawling me out for her not having on a coat(as I had put this on f@cebook too!)

We left the hotel to get some dinner and when we came outside it was snowing like CRAZY! Madison was SO excited!!! She was trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue.
I decreed from now on a coat was to be worn no matter what or my sister was going to kill me!

The short ride over the mountain from our Hotel had some beautiful scenery and winding snow roads! We loved it!

We were headed to "Moonshine Mountain" to go snow tubing! Here are the runs and someone had built an abominable snow man up there! Cool!

Maddie riding the lift up, they attach your tube to a pulley and it pulls you up the mountain OR you can walk but no way in !@#$% was I hiking up that mountain over and over. I noticed once I saw a person doing it they were in line for the lift next time around LOL

Me & Maddie in line, beside the pit fire. We had maybe a 5 minute wait before getting on the lift again. It was truly awesome. I didn't get to take any pictures from the top because you had to keep moving and on the way down - FORGET IT! We FLEW down so fast I had to hold on!
One time we went to the highest run and the guy informed us we had to go seperately - boom - down goes Stacy. Before I could even get my wits together, worried about Maddie, the guy said "she'll be fine" and shoves me and off I go. Holy Heck that run scared the BEJESUS out of me. You start down and then hit a rise and I SWEAR it was a SHEER drop down. I screamed like a fool, I was sure I was going to tumble right out of the tube but I didn't.
When I got to the bottom Stacy was trying to signal the guy NOT to send Madison down when - Whoosh - here she comes. I was praying my baby wouldn't fall out or get hurt and she looked absolutely petrified when she got close enought for us to see her little face. She made it fine though.
She was a little shaken, and said she did NOT want to do that run again.
I didnt' either! So we stuck to the middle one which was plenty fast believe me!

After tubing we went back to downtown Hendersonville to get something to eat.
Maddie picked this place (because she liked the idea of it being downstairs)

Actually the food was wonderful! I had boiled shrimp and some gumbo which came with french bread. OMG delicious!! We ate like pigs!

It really was an awesome trip. We spent two nights, and Madison swam in the pool both evenings. Stacy was a good sport and got in with her.
It was just so nice to be away, having fun together as a family.
I hope we can do it again - soon!

Santa DID come!!!

Ready to open presents!

Santa brought me the Pink Nintendo DS I wanted!

and a big walking Doll - she's almost as big as ME!

and a Purple Brett Favre Vikings Jersey!

It was raining and very cold so Maddie just tried out her super cool new motorcycle - In The House!

Santa didn't forget Daddy - he got a shiatsu massagie chair!

Madison & Reilly scattering "food" for Santa's Reindeer! Those specks are the reindeer food (quaker oats & glitter mixed together!)

Looking a little unsure about it LOL

Digging in~!


Okay Mommy it's cold - can we go inside?

We went to find some "southern snow" to take pictures for our family Christmas Card.
Luckily we went when we did because they chopped the cotton field the very next day!

This is the one that made the card!

She asked me "Mommy why are we in a cotton field?" I said "to take pictures for a christmas card, remember when I took you to Azalea Park for easter pictures?"
She said she did. One thing I can say, she is a cooperative photo subject!

This smile looks a bit fake don't you think? I imagine it's hard because I took a LOT of pictures!

Some of the cards I sent are coming back so I apologize if you sent me a card and didn't get one or you usually get one from me. Don't know what the problem is this year with the postal service. I've never had this happen before!

My MIL is doing okay, hopefully she will come home today.We will be going down tonight for the week-end.
Last night Santa stopped by the party Miss Patsy had for her dance class.
I got to tell Santa what a good girl i've been this year!

My child is a NUT. She went and put the Santa suit on after we got home.
Me & Stacy laughed so hard!!!!!



Have a great week-end and remember - Santa's Watching!

I have thirteen nieces and nephews. I was always the "fun" Aunt (because i'm the baby of five).
One time I even endeavored to take all 13 of them (in my Dad's station wagon) to see the movie "Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles".
My ears rang all the way home - because all thirteen of them sang the theme song from the movie- non-stop! LOL
But... I digress.
Despite babysitting from the time I was about 12 years old, it in no way, shape, or form prepared me for a baby of my own.
An infant.
We did not know how to do her bottle, the hospital provided us with the "cheater" bottles and we were frantic that we might somehow screw up regular formula/bottles and harm our babygirl.
Sometimes I wish there had been a hidden camera - i'm sure we looked comical. Two "skirting-forty" parents completely un-hinged by a tiny infant.
But, we made it through.
Now she is five years old. FIVE. Where did the time go?
I dropped her off at pre-school this morning.
She doesn't want us to walk her in anymore, she's already embarassed to be kissed in front of the other kids.
I watched her go up the walk-way, flowered LL Bean Backpack on her back (monogrammed, of course).
It looked as big as her.
I still find myself frustrated and at my wits end. \
Did I do the right thing?
Did I give the right answer?
Do I do TOO much for her?
Am I giving her too much lee-way ..... or not enough to grow.
It's HARD - the hardest thing i've ever done.
I am responsible for raising this human being right.
I want her to be strong,fair,compassionate, and open-minded.
In the end I can just take a deep breath and hope for the best!

Back in the day I regularly came up with PSA's (public service announcements dontcha' know?!) but I haven't done it in awhile. I fear i've lost my touch!

Dear DH - You need to take it to the Beach - your such a crab-ass! I know there are reasons for this but it doesn't make it any easier for the people who have to deal with you.

PB - I do not want to be BFF's, I do not want to do extra-curricular Christmas activities with you, I definitely don't want to hear about your s*x life! Have a little professional courtesy ok?

Bowl-Head- I know you are not a happy camper. It's been obvious for years. You're children have disappointed you terribly but there is no need to take it out on people who don't deserve it and have circumstances beyond their control. You deserve a quick karate chop to the neck. (I say quick because I CAN be humane - unlike you).

God's Gift - Hahahahaha after I pick myself up off the floor because - YOU are a catch? - Really? Hold still while I go find a mirror and tape recorder. Take a good long look at yourself and listen. Oh wait, your ego is in the way there!

DSIL - If by any chance you DO take that blow-hard, bossy, lazy, no-good !@#$%%^* back I will jerk a knot in your tail that a whole troop of boyscouts couldn't get out.

Little Hitler - I know you WANT to be the boss but you are NOT the boss and you will never BE the boss if I have anything to do with it. Oh here's a tissue. There's some brown on your nose!

I feel ever so much better now!

Yep - White Christmas.......
but I doubt if we'll get it.....
the last white christmas we had was 1989- 20 years ago!!!!
My brother and I used to always go out shopping on Christmas Eve and when it began snowing while we were having lunch I started crying my eyes out.
It was the first white Christmas since we had moved here from Pennsylvania!
We did get snow twice last year so I can't complain too much.
I have the cutest 8x10 picture of Madison next to the big snowman we built and it's as big as her!
Still, she would love to see snow again and I would too....
so let's hope for a christmas miracle and about a foot of "Noël sous la neige" on Dec 23rd!

Okay that title is a reminder for me - but looking at these pics definitely makes me happy!
We had a special visitor come back this year. She had a miniature elf last year that I had gotten from Amazon.com (as I didn't know fully what I was looking for). Well Wink was very well loved, some of you may remember my fracturing my ankle trying to move him one night ....
I found this book and the big Elf at the Christmas Shoppe at Southport Beach,NC and tucked it away.
Maddie and Daddy read the story "The Elf On The Shelf".
It details how Santa sends a special elf to watch over you starting around Thanksgiving.
His job is to report to Santa every night and fly back before morning (hence we have to keep thinking up places to move him to).
The child names the Elf and then is not allowed to touch the Elf or the magic will go away.
Madison is very very enchanted by this. She's a very whimsical child anyway. It makes me smile!


Meet our new (and permanent) Elf - "Sprinkles"

Madison visiting with "Santa" at the Darlington Christmas Tree Lighting. She knows he's not the REAL Santa but a helper :)

May the magic of Christmas be upon you and have blessed day!

What are the chances........
we have two people here who are dead ringers (pardon the pun - no really!) for famous serial killers and one scary character on TV.
There is a guy, who actually sits near me who looks like the guy who played the "Dad" to the clan of vampires in the movie Lost Boys. The one who was romancing the "Mom" because he needed a vampire Mom for the Lost Boys. His name escapes me.
This guys name is Charlie and boy, he looks a LOT like that guy.

The two serial killers.
One is a woman who works on the second floor who looks like Aileen Wuornos. Maybe that's not such a stretch - blonde, stringy-haired, blowsy woman LOL

the OTHER one - a guy - looks exactly and I mean EXACTLY like the BTK Killer Dennis Rader. So much so that one day I asked him if he was originally from around here because I fully expected him to say he was from the Mid-West where Dennis Rader is from. He said he wa from.........Kansas. I lacked the courage to ask if he was related to Dennis Rader though. If he is, i'm sure he's not bragging about it!
Have YOU ever known anyone who looked like a serial killer?

As if I don't struggle through bad days at work and try to shed my negative feelings when I walk out the door, I pick Madison up from school and it slides even more downhill quickly.
She got put in timeout. Told an OUTRAGEOUS lie to her teacher (one that would give my MIL a heart attack if she knew Madison said). Drug her jacket along behind her in the dirt. Purposely dropped her bookbag in the dirt and wouldn't pick it up.
So I spanked her on the step in front of her teacher (the class was inside). Then we get home and she doesn't want to go to dance class.
By that time - I am through. I didn't argue with her or make her go. I was angry and upset all evening long. Part of it is the stress i'm going through with work, part of it is a "visitor" - TMI alert, I realize this.
We are supposed to go to the tree lighting on the square tomorrow night - Madison was supposed to dance. That is spoiled since she didn't go to class last night I have no idea what she's supposed to wear, what time she is supposed to be there etc. Plus i'm too embarassed as i'm going to go ahead and let her quit dance class as she's been asking to do.
Somehow Stacy will still pull the float this week-end in the Christmas parade but i'm not riding on it or anything. See above.
I am sure i'm being stupid but it's how I feel. I don't mind so much letting h er her quit dance class - I ALWAYS said if she didn't want to do it I wouldn't make her but really - I envisioned this happening when she started at age 2 not at 5.
Not when we've got all of these dance-involved Christmas obligations coming up. Not when her Daddy JUST paid a deposit on her dance costume for the recital in May.
Ah well, i've got it all out......here on my trusty old blog.
Now just let me get through this day-from-hell (we've got out of town visitors so ramp up the old bullshit meter x 3).
On a GOOD note Stacy did some more decorating outside last night - my house looks SO GOOD y'all!
It is bright and festive and he's picking up 4 more airblowns to put up tonight (although they won't get put out until it stops raining).
Cut me some slack, our house is on an acre so we DO have some room for them! ;)
Get-Me-Through-This-Tuesday-Lord!

Two of my favorite cartoons - i'm a sucker for Peanuts and the other well.... it just has it's own "charm" Ha! Ha!
Hope you have a wonderful day and if you are going shopping tomorrow (as I am) hope you get all the bounty you are heading out for!!!!
Much Love & Gravy,

The Cutest little turkey I'VE ever seen!

Are you going to Grandmother's house?
We are going to Charlotte, as I said in my post yesterday.
I am looking forward to seeing everyone and meeting the babysitting BIL's mother who is here from Wisconsin.
I wish Stacy didn't have to go home Thursday but we'll have the week-end together and then the following week-end we have to decorate the float for the Darlington Christmas Parade.
Stacy pulls the float and he and my sister throw candy to the kids.
We bought a bunch of candy after Halloween for just this purpose.
I am not going to be those people who only throw hard candies because they are cheap ;)
We get to leave two hours early today (which I am hella thankful for) so everyone have a fabulous Turkey Day and i'll see you next week!